


Zayn and the Gang Bang

by Gelb



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Crack, Generally Awful, Implied/Referenced Abortion, M/M, Racism, Stereotypes, abuse of google translate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-29
Updated: 2014-05-29
Packaged: 2018-01-27 01:28:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1709996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gelb/pseuds/Gelb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn Malik is kidnapped by a bunch of pirates at the hands of the evil tyrant Louis Walsh. What happens next will warm your heart...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Zayn and the Gang Bang

Zayn Malik is a simple man at heart. Born and raised in east China to his loving parents Bing Bong and Shlednor, who only beat him occasionally, he originally wanted to be a fish merchant like the rest of his family, but the smella fish was unbearable. He was the youngest of twenty-seven, and no one expected anything of him anyway because he was the most recent failed abortion and his ma was ripped apart because of him. 

One day, while Zayn was trying to load cod onto an illegal van to pay for his failures in life and attempting to block out the stench of ripe vagina when he was kidnapped by dirty stinkin' Indian bass pirates. Bass as in the Dizzee Rascal kind, not the fish. They whored him around for a while until they dumped him off to a filthy Irish boyband hoarder named Louis Walsh.

"Ah yeh me laddie that one will do," he announced while standing on his desk in his green boxers, spilling Guinness all over the green room. "Éirinn go brágh!"

"Eh yeah, alright, whatever, we don't want him anyway, he's OBVIOUSLY a queer," one of the eastern pirates said awkwardly, also in underwear representing his nationality in a slightly racist way and bent over in front of Louis Walsh with his dingalingadingdong in his bumbabumbum.

"UP THE RA!" he yelled, his anus rapidly producing four-leaf clovers representing the holy trinity of our lord.

\---

"Me Zayn. Ah... me love you long time...?"

"Níl mé i ngrá leat, a chailín óg," Louis Walsh spat green in his face. "You'll be in me newest boyband in me hopes to ENSLAVE AN PHLANÉID."

"Boyobando?" Zayn looked doefully at his new, green boss. Suddenly, he couldn't see him anymore as the room filled with tear gas.

"Wo de yanjing!" The crippled Asian cried and he clutched his damaged eyes. His vision was just shades of green as he lost conciousness.

\---

When he woke up, he was in a green room with a white floor and orange furniture, namely a sofa and a lamp, giving the place a warm, nationalist glow, like the blasts of the gun that shot Michael Collins in Cork on August 22nd, 1922. He searched frantically around the room to find four wriggling green bodybags scattered about. He jumped up and untied one, despite his bleeding eyesockets.

"tnx 4 de hlp," the curly-haired, probable user of instagram drawled as he was helped out of the bag. "im harry styles. de styles stands 4 swag."

"Swaggu?" Zayn whispered wistfully into the wind like the anime he is. "What is swaggu? Wo taoyàn yú."

"u cheeky korean cunt i will fuck u up m8," Harry Swags snarled at him. "u practice communism in de mirror u sick pervert."

"KRISTALLNACHT!" Zayn screamed and ran away to the next body bag. He untied it clumsily and helped the next boyman out.

"omg thanks for letting me out, babe!" the clearly homosexual child announced. "Name's Louis!! The s is SIIIILEEEENNNNTTT~!! ;D"

Zayn felt instantly sorry for the poor fuck. He would never experience true love.

"Ydych chi am i mi ddangos i chi beth yw cariad?" Zayn breathed into his ear.

Louis' eyes widened and his breath began to hitch. He could feel himself becoming instantly aroused by the sexy, sexy inaccurate usage of Welsh from Google Translate on the immigrant's behalf.

In that moment, the other bodybags exploded open and an Irish loser called Niall Tricolour-EamonnDeValera and a bald army man called Liam PAIN who was definitely just cannon fodder and if he survived in war, which was unlikely, he'd probably go gay for another soldier in time and end up writing famous love poems in his honour. I wish him luck and good health in his future career.

The four leapt on the unsuspecting Zayn, all going for the anus at once. He yelped in terror as he was Chinese and therefore didn't know what any form of sexual conduct was. He generated a mace from his inventory and swung it towards all of the oncomers at once. It collided headfirst with Harry, bashing his skull directly into his brain. He skid across the floor with the weapon still lodged into his face. The others looked on in mute horror as he walked calmly over to the body and pulled the mace out, his retinas entangled in one of the spikes protruding from it.

"I'LL FUCKIN' KILL YE!" Liam shouted and ran furiously towards him. Zayn threw the mace at him but he ducked just in time. It trammeled straight into Louis' neck, leaving the homo to squirm and squeal and spit out dark blood before dying to a horrifyingly shrill cry. Liam threw a punch to Zayn's face, but he sidestepped him swiftly and subsequently stabbed him in the side with a shank he had made when no one was looking. He pulled it out with a satisfying shriek from his victim and plunged it into his forehead without warning. He kicked him onto the ground, leaving the shank stuck in his carcass.

Zayn looked around the room wildly. He found the blonde-haired bogger cowering in the corner and sobbing uncontrollably. All of a sudden, he was beside the hysteric mess. He bent down to his level and hissed into his ear.

"Neon jeongmal meosjyeo."

Niall moved his head slowly until he met the murderer's intense gaze.

"Y-you're hot, too," he gasped between tears and fear.

Zayn lay Niall down and made sweet, sweet, dan, amai, tián love to him. They came at the same time. It was amazing. You had to be there, really, no amount of describing could do this sex scene justice, so I won't even give you one.

"Ahh," Louis Walsh burst in the door, spraying pepper spray and prune juice in gas form into his eyes. "Bhuail tú le mo MHAC!"

"Nani?" Zayn asked, covered in green semen and prying his nether hey-heys from Niall's pot o'luck.

"NIALL IS MY SON," he laughed tempestously. "NOW YA MUST BE IN ME BAND. HE HE HE."

"Damn, man."


End file.
